[If you haven't read the nine preceding stories, you will find them on one of my pages in the right-hand column. This final story will only have its full effect if you read the other stories first and know who the characters are--although, believe it or not, I had not even thought of Ryan and Suzie or a story like this until the other nine were all written, and when I started writing this one I had no idea it would bring in the others. The question is, does it work? Let me know.]
Success Story©
Ryan and Suzie always made it work, in
more ways than one. As script doctors, the Mackenzies were good at what they
did. As a couple, they had more fun than most.
Here’s
how it is. No screenplay gets to
the big screen unchanged. That’s a simple fact of life. So after everyone had
put a finger in, after all the would-be cooks had added their odd bits to the
broth, stirring and seasoning it into a total hash that wouldn’t hold together
on a plate, that’s where Ryan and Suzie entered the scene. They were the
ambulance team, if you will, arriving to put everyone and everything back
together so the cameras could finally roll. They never said “No,” and they
never said “can’t.” They listened, they worked, they got paid.
Now it was their turn.
What script doctor doesn’t want to
be an original writer? This pair had talked through many screenplay ideas over
the course of their marriage. They would fall into it naturally, right after
finishing a rewrite, to sweep their minds clear, or late at night on vacation
or, later, on the road going to visit the kids at college. One of them would
begin with a character or a scene or a bit of dialogue, and give it to the
other, and in the back-and-forth that followed their own ideas flowed and
built, along with their enthusiasm. It was such fun! “Someday,” they told each
other, “we’ll make our own movie.”
Well, now “someday” had arrived. They
had put away enough to form their own small production company and finance a
year away from other jobs. They had given themselves that whole year to write
the screenplay, and when they were happy with it, they would try to raise money
to make the picture, but any doctoring of the script, at any point along the
way, would be theirs. If the first picture wasn’t a complete flop, maybe they
would make a second, but right now they weren’t looking any further ahead than
their first independent film, and here they are, far from Hollywood, hunkered
down in Rocket’s, nearing the end of their first draft.
“So we’ve got everyone here in the
same neighborhood. Recap?” Ryan gave Suzie an expectant look.
She looked down at her notes and
began. “Becky, the girl who works the counter, is there, at work. Cheryl, the
mother-grandmother, is hanging out by the counter, talking to Becky and
watching out the window for the school bus, and her husband is still sitting in
a booth, talking nonstop to some stranger. (Doesn’t matter who. We don’t even
need to see the other person.) The little dog isn’t in sight yet, and neither
is the school bus. Kelly and her kids are getting ready to leave, and Eva and
Frank Hayes are having another cup of coffee.
“Bob,
the fat man, is out in the parking lot, squeezing into his car. Joe and the
other boys are walking along the highway in the direction of the gated
community—that is, right to left onscreen.
“Wes,
we’ve got him coming out of Eleanor’s fan showroom across the highway, the
little showroom in front of the manufacturing plant. And Mallory, of course,
has vaporized.” Suzie paused and frowned. “Can we really do that? Does it fit
with the other stories we’re weaving together? Just because we came up with him
first doesn’t mean we need to keep him, you know.”
Ryan
nodded. “I know. He doesn’t really interact with anyone else, does he? He was
really a trial run to get us into the location. Yeah, we might have to write
him out—but let’s not worry about him now. What about Eva, though? We’re
keeping her?”
Suzie
flipped through the pages of the long yellow legal pad in front of her. “She’s
still weak. Not her as a character—she’s a strong character--but her story is
weak.”
The
two of them turned to stare out the window, Ryan gazing across the highway and
Suzie’s eyes sweeping the parking lot, both of them looking at cars, imagining
Eva and trying to think of a complication to punch up her part. Ryan tried to
think what kind of car Eva was driving. Then, where was she going next, and
why? They had written out the scene at the house for sale, after deciding on
the big car crash in front of Rocket’s.
“If
Joe isn’t going to get to the house,” she said now, hesitantly, thinking out
loud, “do we even need Eva? Their paths won’t cross.”
Ryan’s
eyebrows went up. “Do you want to try it without her?”
“Well,
we don’t want to waste time right now on a character we might not use in the
final version. She can always go back in. Agreed?”
“I
like her, though,” Ryan objected.
“Well,
you liked the woman who vaporized Mallory, too, and we didn’t do anything more
with her!” That female character had been entirely Ryan’s invention. Suzie had
thought all along that the ending to Mallory’s segment was wrong for the movie.
Ryan
winked and laughed. “Maybe we should bring her back! Maybe we should lose Red
Ice Eva and get back to the Bombshell in Black!” Then he stopped himself. “Nah,
nah, nah! Not now! We’re getting distracted. Huh? Okay, I’m getting distracted!
We need to get this big scene pulled together. Mallory and Eva are on
probation, and everyone else is in. So run it down again?”
“We’ve
got the Bob, the fat man in the parking lot, Wes across the highway, the boys
walking along the side of the road, and everyone else in the Burger Shack. The
boys are going in the opposite direction they usually go to get their school
bus. The bus for the little kids will come from the right, from the direction
of the expressway--.”
“Is
this confusing? Joe’s little brothers and sisters didn’t take a school bus, and
up to now we only had high school kids on a bus.”
“I
know! Make this a private school bus! Like, from a church school.”
“Jenny
can afford to send her kids to private school?”
“No,
that doesn’t work, does it?”
“Never
mind. How about this? The kids are going on a field trip--.”
“No,
we’ve established that Cheryl has been watching the school buses for days.”
They
fell silent, looking around and out the windows, looking and reflecting on the
scene.
“So
maybe we need to go back and have Joe’s brothers and sisters get on a school
bus, too? It could come a little before the high school bus. Maybe Cheryl
notices that Joe and his buddies are going in the wrong direction and that they
missed their bus on this particular morning.”
“Do
we need to have her notice that?”
“It
emphasizes the way she’s been taking in everything that happens every morning
around the Burger Shack. Remember, she’s the one who’s most aware of her
surroundings. Hyper-aware.”
“True.
Okay.”
Ryan: So everyone’s in place
for the big crash scene.
Suzie: Establishing shot
coming in from the highway. Then we move in on each character and smaller part
of the scene, one at a time.
Ryan: Dog first or bus?
Suzie: Dog, I think. Trotting
along the side of the fan factory, opposite Burger Shack, Stopping to sniff.
Takes a pee. Then bus but only from exterior. Kids’ faces in the window. Driver
has a cup of coffee.
Ryan: It’s a sunny morning.
Suzie: It’s a sunny morning.
Joe and Miguel and Ed and Diego are boppin’ along the highway, headed away from
our focal center. Here they are, here’s Wes, here’s the dog. [Draws a diagram
for Ryan to look at.]
Ryan: The grade school bus is
still coming from our left.
Suzie: Sound?
Ryan: Muted. Muted
conversation inside the Burger Shack, muted traffic noise outside.
Suzie: A little --muted bird
sounds?
Ryan: Good! The boys are
walking in the same direction the bus is traveling, but they’re on the other
side of the highway. Won’t they be too far--?
Suzie: For the bus, yes. But
okay, the dog runs out, the bus driver brakes suddenly and loses control--.
Ryan: The bus veers into the
opposite lane, and traffic scatters, and the cars behind the bus--.
Suzie: Yes. And the ones
coming from the other direction, too.
Ryan: --The other drivers all
react in panic and set off a chain reaction. That’s when one of the cars--. Or
maybe a truck! Better yet!
Suzie: The truck driver
hasn’t seen the boys, and he tries to pull off the road to avoid the bus.
Ryan: Wouldn’t they be
killed? The truck would hit them.
Suzie: They don’t have to be
killed. Say it isn’t a semi, just a small delivery truck. The audience will see
the truck go off the road and expect
the boys to be killed, but they don’t need to be, remember? It’s just one of
those unplanned, freakish ways that Fate intervenes. Joe thought the worst
thing that could happen to him was being picked up and put in a foster home
after his parents were deported, but without this accident to stop him he was
headed for something a lot worse.
Ryan: [His voice
dissatisfied] It still feels contrived. Joe is saved by Fate before he can
commit B&E, Cheryl is stopped and doesn’t kidnap her grandkids, Bob gets to be a little hero (well, a
big hero!), and the dog will
probably be licking little kids’ faces as they tumble out of the bus,
all unharmed. Why don’t we just have the Hand of God reach down from the sky?
Suzie: [irritably] Kelly is
still pregnant, Wes still has two wives, Eva hasn’t figured out what to do with
Frank Hayes yet, and Bob is still fat! Some lives are changed, some aren’t.
What’s so unbelievable about that?
Ryan: And you don’t even want
the dog killed?
Suzie: Audiences don’t like
seeing dogs killed. You kill a dog in a movie, and it goes one of two ways,
noir or melodrama. Now we can’t suddenly shift into noir at the climax of the
film, and we were never aiming at melodrama. I mean, cue the strings! I don’t
think so! This movie is about ordinary people and the small events that turn
their lives in one direction or another. And anyway, if the bus driver were
just going to hit the dog he wouldn’t have--.
Ryan: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Suzie: But what about Bob
making the 9-1-1 call? Wouldn’t Wes be the quick thinker?
Ryan: Seeing the school bus,
all the kids, puts Wes into kind of a trance. Kids are his soft spot, his
Achilles’ heel.
Suzie: But Eleanor’s kids—
Ryan: --Aren’t on that bus,
no. Her business is here, not her home. No, but Wes, he’s got a lot on his
mind.
Suzie: And Bob, he’s getting
to his car, anticipating the highway, looking ahead, but he’s not in yet, and
he looks up.
Ryan: So here we are. And
this scene is so important! We need to make the smashup feel realistic and
important but not a cliché.
Suzie: Right. So this is
where we get close-up shots, with no sound, of all those little details. That’s
what people always say they remember from these events.
Ryan: But first, the scream.
Suzie: Yeah. Cheryl is
talking to Becky, but she’s watching the highway at the same time, and she sees
the bus, and she sees the little dog, and she screams!
Ryan: And the scream is like
the switch that turns off all the sound. And, and, and while she’s
screaming—silently now—we see everything Cheryl sees, the whole scene through
the front window of Rocket’s.
Suzie [eagerly]: Then!
Farthest away, first. Becky?
Ryan: Sees Cheryl screaming,
the bus sliding.
Suzie: Frank Hayes.
Ryan: Sees a little sports
car flying toward the Rocket’s sign, about to crash. Eva?
Suzie: Eva hears Cheryl
screaming and looks up at Cheryl, then down at the chrome napkin holder, where
she sees a reflection of the school bus turning over.
Ryan: That’s good. How about
having Cheryl’s husband oblivious to the crash?
Suzie: Yes, I think he would
be. He’d be rushing toward his wife, stumbling over anything in his way.
Ryan: Kelly and her kids.
This one’ll be hard.
Suzie. Yeah, it’s not really
one but three. Justin, I think, will see tires rolling in all directions.
Ryan: Tires?
Suzie: I just thought of it.
But I guess there wouldn’t be tires flying off all the crashing cars and bus
and stuff, so how about the truck we talked about, having that carrying a load
of old tires?
Ryan: Sure. And you’re right,
that’s just the kind of thing that would grab Justin’s attention.
Suzie: So what about Robert
and Kelly, the mom?
Ryan [with a shrug]: Kelly
can’t see anything but kids’ faces in the bus windows. Robert, now. How about
if he just sees his mother’s face. He’s never seen that look of shock on her
face before, and it affects him so powerfully he can’t look away. In fact, he
sees only her eyes and knows that she doesn’t see him at all. It might be hard
to get across.
Suzie (admiringly): That’s
great! We can do it! And that’s everyone inside.
Ryan: Bob has his car door
open, but he sees the accident before it happens. He grabs for his cell the
instant the bus leaves its lane. He’s already talking—we don’t hear him, but we
see him on the phone--.
Suzie: Then he sees.... I
know! Can he see kids’ backpacks landing on the side of the road? No, that’s
too obvious. –Oh, this is good! One little girl’s bright yellow beret!
Ryan: I don’t get it.
Suzie: That’s because we have
to go back into his story--.
Ryan: The girl at the party!
Suzie: Wes?
Ryan: Okay, this is weird,
but how about if Wes sees a plane overhead. He’s in his trance, and way up over
the whole scene is this jet, almost too small to see.
Suzie (nodding): Because he’s
caught up in his own web of deceit and wants out of it. Okay, Joe’s our last
one. What does Joe see?
Ryan: Everything happened so
fast he didn’t take in any of it until he’s on the ground, his leg broken, and
he sees the two keys on the ground, just out of his reach.
Suzie: So he couldn’t have
put them in his jeans pocket, or they wouldn’t--.
Ryan: Right. He had to put
them in his jacket pocket. Now his jacket is torn half-off him, and the keys
are on the ground, and that’s all he can see before he closes his eyes.
Suzie: And as he closes his
eyes the screen goes black.
A brief silence ensues.
Ryan: But you don’t want to
stop right there?
Suzie: We’ve discussed this a
hundred times. It’s what action movies do nowadays. The only dénouement is the
silence after the gunshots. No! Again, like the dog thing, that’s not what
we’re doing!
Ryan: Agreed, agreed. I don’t
think it’s quite the same, though.
Suzie (reluctantly): It isn’t
the same, I grant you that. We could
end there. But how about if we talk through a different ending and then decide?
Ryan: What we talked about
before was having a series of very, very short scenes set later the same day.
If we do it that way, I’d like to see each one pushed aside by the next, sort
of like the audience is waiting at a railroad crossing and watching a passenger
train go by. Each car is replaced by the next, with people in the windows they
glimpse for a moment and will never see again. [Suzie smiles, amused.] I know,
passenger trains, part of the past! Look it as an homage to passenger trains. I think it works.
Suzie (still smiling): I
think it works, too. Well, then, how about if we go backwards? Start with Joe,
the last character we saw in the crash scene?
Ryan: Easy! He’s in a
hospital bed with his aunt and uncle at his bedside, telling him it was always
arranged for them to take the kids if anything happened to their parents. Push.
Suzie: Wes?
Ryan: Nah, nah, the backwards
thing doesn’t work here. We need to save Wes for last.
Suzie: Or next to last.
Ryan: Right. Bob!
Suzie: Alone in his dining
room at home, his high school yearbook on the table in front of him. Kelly and
her family?
Ryan: I’m giving you this
one. It’s your feel-good scene!
Suzie: Well, doesn’t it make
sense? Those children’s lives, so fragile? She can’t get the scene out of her
mind, and suddenly she’s sure it’s a girl child she’s carrying--.
Ryan: We can’t see her
thoughts. What does she do? What does she say?
Suzie: She kisses her husband
good-by as he’s leaving for work, and she clutches at the front of his shirt, pulling
him back again when he pulls away to leave, and she says--.
Ryan: “Didn’t you once say
you wanted a daughter?”
Suzie: Cheryl and her husband
are in their motor home. They don’t look at each other. They’re not talking.
The husband is the one looking at the map.
Ryan: Significant. Eva—let’s
have her out with friends.
Suzie: Right. Center of
attention, telling the story of the crash. Becky can be lying on her bed,
staring up at the ceiling.
Ryan: Now Wes. We see him in
the boarding area at an airport. We don’t know where he’s going, but he’s
dressed differently.
Suzie: How?
Ryan: I don’t know yet. I
don’t know where he’s going. Finally--?
Suzie: The little dog took
off when the crash occurred. He ran—to the woods or the expressway? Out to the
country. We see him trotting along a dirt road, looking purposeful, stopping
here and there to sniff and pee.
Ryan: Camera rolls back.
Credits.
They look at each other
and say together: We’ve got a movie!